I went away to college in order to get away from San Jose. I love the city of San Jose, just the people there were wearing me down, everyone knew all about all of my mistakes, I had a certain reputation there, and I had little friends. Don’t get me wrong, I did make my own life, and I absolutely adore my friends more than anything else. I just really needed a new start; I needed to go to a place where no one knew me.
I came to APU in September, and at first, it was alright. When I got here, it was 100 degrees and humid, so I started off the year hating the location of my school. When I walked into my room, I noticed that it was NOTHING like I thought it would look like. It was odd shaped because it is a corner room, and I hated it so much. The first few days of school, they had a bunch of events for people to mingle and meet new people, so I did. But, as soon as I got their number, and we left the situation, they forgot about me. I would ask all these people I met to hang out with me, but they would either ignore me, bail on me, or just turn it down. So, I realized that all the work I put into making friends was all for nothing.
My alpha group, or the group of freshman you spend orientation with, was freaking amazing, and I still love them. Alpha was probably the best thing that has happened at this school so far.
Once classes started, things stopped feeling like summer camp, and started to feel more like school. All of my professors were so nice and I loved all of my classes. That first day, I tried out to be in marching band. I went, and I realized that I was the only one without experience, and I was weighing everyone down. I had never been in a situation where I couldn’t stop crying like that. It was three hours, and the whole time I was holding back tears, while trying to learn all this stuff that all these people have had years to perfect. So, I quit.
The next day, I went to the Wind Ensemble class. Apparently, I had to audition to be in the class, but I was never told this. It was just put on my schedule. Also, the people in this class had already been at school a month before I had, so I definitely knew I was out of place. It was the most awkward and horrible situation I had ever been in, having to walk out of a classroom after someone asked me, “Are you even supposed to be here?” I was literally so embarrassed. At that moment, I just decided to quit all of music. The music room was horrid; it looked like a warehouse. The people were not inviting at all. It was not a situation that I wanted to be in. This was really hard for me because music has been my LIFE since the third grade. I have never not been in a music class. I didn’t know how I would be able to cope without it.
After that, things kind of started to pick up. I was hanging out with a lot of girls in my hall. I was the only one who had a car, so I was everyone’s ride, but I didn’t really care because I liked being needed. But soon enough, it was clear that those girls didn’t want to hang out with me, they just wanted my car. People would start taking advantage of my generosity and just asking to use my car themselves or expecting me to say yes when they would ask for rides. I was no longer being invited places. I was just being used. But this time, everyone else has made their own little groups of friends. It’s not like I didn’t try to make friends because LORD knows I did. I really did. Just, no one wants to hang out with me.
One night, these girls asked me for a ride to Mcdonalds. They weren’t the best influences on me. On the way to McDonalds, I got a ticket for doing something that they suggested me to do. I would have never ever thought to do it if I was alone, but they told me to. Of course it was my FAULT for doing it, but it wasn’t my idea. It was the absolute worst moment ever. I have never been in trouble like that before, and it was the moment when I noticed my character changing and I was so upset. I was not someone who got in trouble. I didn’t want to have to pay a stupid ticket. That ticket has so greatly burdened my life, and it reminds me that college is changing me into someone I never want to be.
My classes began to get harder. That was fine, but there was my psych class at 7:30-10:30 on Thursday nights. I was failing that class being the professor wasn’t very good. Yes, his fault, not mine. But I withdrew from that class, which was one of the best things I have done.
Now, I’m in a philosophy class. It is pretty much the only class that I don’t have an A in. Every time I speak in the class, I sound so stupid that I want to cry, but my professor keeps calling on me, and stuff. But I just sound so stupid. Just imagine being the stupidest person in the class — that’s me.
So now, I’m alone. I don’t get along with my roommates. Or, we just don’t talk. I don’t like the layout of my room. I’m not in any music classes. I am like failing this class because it’s so hard.
I got in trouble one morning for having a boy in my hall at 11am. 11AM IN THE MORNING. omg -___- I hate getting in trouble, and I KEEP GETTING IN TROUBLE. This has never happened to me. I continually embarrass myself and get into trouble.
No one invites me to anything at all.
I am so messy that my roommates probably hate me. I do try to clean, but I physically do not know how to keep my room clean. I DO TRY. I just can’t.
I think that I am just a burden on everyone’s lives. I’m not doing anything I want to here. I am not happy here. I look around and I feel so ugly. So so ugly. my hair is falling out. My face has broken out soooo badly. I’m not noticed by anyone here. I’m not known by anyone here. I’m pretty sure everyone just thinks I’m this weird chick who is always sleeping and dresses nice.
I hate my life here. I hate my life in general. I don’t know how to fix it. It probably seems like this is no big deal. It probably seems like “why is she so upset”. Well, I hate everything about my life. I have one friend here. ONE. There was this guy that I really care about, AS A FRIEND, but I have recently learned that he doesn’t even care about me at all. I’m like not important to him, but he’s so important to me. This always ALWAYS happens to me.
THE THING IS THOUGH IS THAT I TRY! Its not like I just stay in my room and mope. I am actually going out, but there’s no point anymore in even trying to do anything. It’s too late. Everyone already has someone. No one wants me.